Lucinda: The words ‘interpersonal conflicts’, brings back a roller coaster ride of emotions for me personally. I believe interpersonal conflicts are complex in itself as there could be many factors contributing to it, some of which I could be unaware up till this point of time. Of course I would like to have these conflicts resolved eventually, instead of leaving a deep scar on me for life.
Let me just share my story.
Background: I had a very close group of friends right from Secondary three, where we spent a lot of time together. One particular girl, Z, whom I know since secondary one, went on to the same Junior College as me! Of course I was extremely happy to know that we were in the same class. We had common interest in playing tennis, joined the school tennis team and even went for coaching sessions together.
Issue: Just as I thought things were only going to get better for us, the events took a change in direction. I started to realize that Z is actively trying to avoid any contacts with our group of old friends. She would find reasons not to attend our birthday gatherings, said she was too busy to have short dinners to catch up with us and even start to avoid our calls and messages. I really had no idea why she did that, but I do note that Z became very close with new found friends who are either very good at their studies or are from very rich families. She would borrow many notes from those with good results and hang out with them very often. That is when I started to feel her drifting further apart from our group of close friends. Although her actions were very obvious that she is over and done with, with regards to her group of secondary school friends, I still tried to get her involved in our activities as much as possible. Try as I might, things did not improve and I started to feel helpless in mending this relationship that is going nowhere.
Then it happened yet again, the same exact situation, applied to the current clique of friends in Junior College. The awkwardness between us continued for weeks, months and eventually ending up one day in a snap where she simply decided to walk off to join another clique in class from then on. We tried to have a confrontation but ended up too overwhelmed with emotions to talk about the real issue. That was apparently a very clear signal to an end in our precious 5 years of friendship. I was exhausted in the one-way effort to salvage the situation, hence I accepted it.
Perhaps people change and it is normal that they move on? Perhaps Z was more focused on her studies at that point of time? Perhaps that is her character? Perhaps I was not proactive enough in maintaining a friendship? Perhaps I was an ineffective comunicator? Where was the root of the problem? Unanswered questions and questions were running through my mind.
I would like to sum up with a little question for readers: Do you think this is an interpersonal conflict that could really be resolved?
I like your attitude of solving a problem. As you said instead of just leaving the problem and enhance it to grow, talking and resolving it eventually would bring good positive results.
ReplyDeleteYour scenario here happens quite often. People around us and who are close to us may change as time goes on and we would not be able to find out the exact reason for it. Here you mentioned that your friend avoided old friends and started bonding with students with good academic excellence and students who are rich. Just think in this way. She would have really wanted to improve herself in studies. So she would have thought that by bonding with students who are good in studies she could achieve that. But the only thing that I feel wrong in her behavior is avoiding the old friends group. She should not have done that even though she was engaged with her new circle of friends. I think it is not your problem. Your approach towards her seems to be good.
What I could figure out from this scenario is you both had misunderstanding. It is not like an interpersonal conflict at all. Because there is no reason for conflict between you both. It is just the communication gap which took her far apart from you. If you still really want her friendship then you can probably talk to her in person which may bring positive results.
Hi Lucinda!
ReplyDeleteI agree that interpersonal conflict brings about emotional stress, definitely. No one likes to handle conflicts as such but it always seem to be revolving around our lives!
By the way, I think I know who you're refering to. Pertaining to your question, I personally feel that you cannot really control how people feel and behave. You could confront her, nag at her or whatsoever, but in the end, she'll still be the one making the decision - to stay or not.
Don't reproach yourself for not being able to make her stay. Everyone has a choice and this is the choice she made. If she's happier with her life that way, why not? You've lost a friend who doesn't care, but for her, the lost is much greater for she has lose someone who deeply cares for her.:)
Hi Yazhini, thank you for opinion and suggestions on what I can do!
ReplyDeleteActually there were interpersonal conflicts between us when we confronted each other on this souring relationship many times. However, I feel that perhaps both parties made assumptions about each other after having many confrontations, further deepening these conflicts the next time we try to communicate. In short, I would see this issue as the gradual loss of interest in even ironing out these interpersonal conflicts after many accumulated unsuccessful attempts.
Hi Alicia! Thanks for your encouragement. (: Hopefully we can learn something from such interpersonal conflicts that ended on an undesirable note and never let it repeat again.
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